Margaret's early days, chat-style

My youngest baby, Margaret, was born after 9 months of me suffering from Hyperemesis Gravidarum, and just days before Daylight Savings ended and the presidential election (Clinton v Trump = yikes) took place. We also entered 6 weeks of illness shortly after, culminating in me taking 4 kids to the see the dr on Christmas Eve for double ear infections and pink eye.These factors, and the health scares and uncertainty we had with Margaret as mentioned below, made for some of the most challenging weeks of my life. My recovery from birth was physically easy in the short-term (let's be honest, I'm still trying to heal and recover after 4 HG pregnancies in 6.5 years), but the emotional recovery of it all is still ongoing.

I didn't, couldn't, wouldn't write a single bit of her birth story until her first Birthday, when I was finally ready to face the deep emotions and start work towards healing. I still cry when I read what is posted below, because I know what you can't see through the words. I remember sitting in the shower sobbing and hyperventilating, out of control, trying to hide the raw pain from the kids who were concerned about their mama and baby. I remember feeling like I was literally having my heart torn out of me, and having the sweet, tender bond with my baby severed. I remember being so scared for her. For being so sad for me in having my breastfeeding journey, nearly 7 years running, cut short at the drop of a hat, cold turkey, quite possibly forever. I remember feeling so, so selfish for being sad for me when I should have only been concerned for her. I remember being bitter when it was suggested that I could keep pumping, regardless of whether Margaret could drink my milk, so that I could donate to other people. I remember feeling that surely something, SOMETHING had to give in order to make life easier, less horribly painful to press on in the day to day of pumping for 30 min every 2 hours and feeling the baby every several hours, and helping her with her relieve her horrible horrible constipation, and learning to parent without the ability to nurse the baby, and nurturing the other children, and healing my body. I remember feeling even more guilty and selfish for feeling sad about everything, because clearly, to the eye, she was healthy, she was growing, and other people have things so much worse and painful and I was being self-focused. I remember never having felt so absolutely bone weary and sad. So sad. That's what you maybe can't see in my words, but as you read, you can imagine that that's what I was feeling.

When I went to write Margaret's birth story, I searched through the ongoing FB chat I have going with my sisters (Amie, Megan, Tori, in birth order). What I found, I edited in order to have only the chat related to Margaret. I do have another document mostly written up-- will post another time-- with my solo reflections of the story of Margaret's early days, but here, with the permision of my sweet sisters, is the chat account of Margaret's birth and early days.

02/11/2016 23:03

Tomorrow night I am likely going to try the breast pump to see if it induces labor

I might see if my midwife can strip my membranes tomorrow

I need to get to bed. I'll regret staying up late if I go into labor during the night.
Story of my life these days. I sent Wyatt to bed at 8:30.

Love you all, too

03/11/2016 04:52

Amie

Thinking of you Sarah!!

03/11/2016 08:01

Sarah

Megan

Yay!!!!!!

Sarah

Just proof of baby

No idea of stats yet

But she is a she

Megan

Were you 40 weeks today?

It always makes me giggle seeing your arm next to skin that sees no sun.
Congratulations mama!

Sarah

39w6d

Megan

Did kids get to witnesses or did they stay away?

Cannot wait to hear all the details. Rest up sister.

Amie

Welcome Baby!!

Megan

Does she have hair?

Sarah

Margaret Miriam Anne Rounds, 19.5 inches long, 9lbs, born at 6:44

Megan

Is she the biggest or was A bigger?

Good eater huh?

Sarah

So far so good

E was 8lb11oz, A was 9lbs12oz , J was 7lbs14oz

Amie

She looks like a Rashe-Rounds

Sarah

Megan

Did siblings get to watch at all?

03/11/2016 11:07

Sarah

A was in here the whole time, saw pretty much everything

Megan

And she did good?

Sarah

E waited until I showered and has stepped in as big sister helper since

Yes, she was great

J came in and then went out

Then came in right after baby was born

I heard him while I was pushing running to tell Lizzie "baby born! Baby born!"

Megan

How brave of A to stay in and watch. Was she on the bed with you or where?

How long was pushing this time?

Sarah

I was at the foot of the bed facing the window. She was on the side by the closet, I think

She and J were in bed with me very shortly after

Megan

Nice, how is J handling it?

Sarah

I pushed for maybe 15 minutes? I will read my charts at some point

My waters broke spontaneously after I started pushing

Megan

Oh so you went into labor before they broke.

Sarah

Yeah

Three hours of labor. Woke at 3:30 or so, called the midwives and mom and around 4:30

Midwives got here around 5:20 and 6

Megan

Ha, so made it just in time.

Tori

Congratulations, sister!!! And welcome to the world, baby! Give her lots of kisses for me.
She's beautiful!

Megan

Sarah, that family picture is fantastic! You don't look as pale as when you had J.

Sarah

I'm really pleased with it!

I have still been super pale but have taken my iron pill, been eating protein,
and had a cup of water with liquid chlorophyll to help build things back up

Did I mention that I didn't tear?

And that her head is 14.5 inches when average is 12?

Megan

Did you tear with any of the others?

Sarah

I tore with the first two, not with the second two. Whether it was from the difference between
hospital and homebirth, I don't know, but I suspect

Megan
I'm glad baby got her own date that was not someone else's special day. and yay!
Now I have someone in the family with a Nov. Birthday

Sarah    

My most hairy child

I def see some red

Amie

Those cheeks tho!!

How are you feeling?

Sarah

Feeling ok. My back is going to be really sore from labor and nursing neck and holding new baby

My bottom bits feel pretty ok which is amazing. Not even enough swelling need an ice pack

Look at her proportions. Huuuuuge head, tiny little legs

Sarah

I asked J if he wanted to see her chicken legs and he freaked out.
Made me laugh when I realize he was thinking I was speaking literally,
and then I quickly showed him I just meant skinny

Megan

Bahahaha

Amie

Spencer had a melt down when I told him he couldn't come see the baby today.

"But Moommmmmm, I have to see her before she starts crawling!!"

Huge tears

Megan

So sweet!

03/11/2016 18:32

Sarah

Aww

Hopefully he has a good long while before we have a crawler

04/11/2016 17:05

Sarah

So Margaret may or may not have a heart murmur. There is some valve in babies
that bypasses blood going to the lungs in utero since their blood gets oxygenated
via placenta rather than lungs, and then the valve closes us.
The midwife heard a bit of a murmur today, and it may be that the valve hasn't closed up yet.
We will check again on Monday. If it is still there then we go in to the pedi for a check.
We might just make a pedi appointment for her sooner than the two weeks we had intended

Meegan

Nice to ease the mind when it comes to baby.

Amie

It never hurts to check.

11/04/2017

Megan

How did the kids do today? How is J?

Sarah

A bit rough

They very clearly love the new baby, but the girls in particular are really concerned
about their relationships with me changing

I try to stay in bed or on the couch but things fall apart

So I have pushed myself too much today physically

Jameson probably needs more me time which is hard with baby nursing and me healing

He has gotten so used to being taken on walks or dropped off at mom's that he says
good bye to me any time he is leaving the house the last few weeks,
even if I was driving him or walking (rarely, but sometimes).
So on one hand he is used to some separation

But bedtime is a different beast

I have still snuggled him to sleep, without the baby, and that works well

Megan

Oh good, at least you were able to do that.

Sarah

Tonight, though, baby started crying with Wyatt while I was in with the three big kids.
J started crying about not wanting the baby with me, only him snuggling me

Megan

Poor guy, it is just a change, things will fall into place eventually.

Sarah

It ended up working ok, but I can see that he still needs mama time and it is going to be
something I have to balance for all of them

And trying to heal quickly and fully

And support Wyatt as he carries the burdens of the kids and house.
He's having a hard time being around the kids so constantly and trying to give me space to heal.
They can drain a person pretty quickly.

Megan

Did you make an appointment for baby?

Sarah

No. We had rest literally right after midwife left and then the office was closed

Megan

Yeah, he is not so used to being around the kids so much without mama,
how long is he able to take off with you?

Sarah

The other midwife will be back to check up with us on Monday around 9,
so I can call right in after that if need be

At least three weeks, I think

Hopefully 4

Amie

At least you're not pregnant anymore?

Things will even out, and there will be a new normal.

05/11/2016 10:11

15/11/2016 11:02

Sarah

Margaret had her first check up and dr heard the murmur still

We'll take her in to a pediatric cardiologist for a check up

He thinks it might be a ventricular septal defect, a hole that usually closes as the heart grows

So, neat

But she is otherwise healthy

16/11/2016 16:50

Sarah

You guys, I am devastated

The pedi got a call from the state that Margaret might have galactosemia.
Can't process a sugar in milk

I have to stop breastfeeding her and give soy formula until a blood test is done,
sent to mayo clinic and confirms or not that she has it

Megan

What? Has she had any blood tests?

Praying for you sister and baby too

Sarah

She had the pku test which is a heel prick that gets sent to the state for running a metabolic panel.
This particular test was flagged as a potential/possible problem

If she has it she can never have any dairy of any sort

Megan

does breast milk count as dairy or actual like Cow Dairy, or all animal Dairy

Sarah

I think some can carry through breast milk (edited 11/2017 to add, it is a naturally part of breastmilk,
and all forms of mammal milk).

Dr Maynard told the state health person that I was a dedicated breastfeeder and
was told I need to stop immediately

And I was nursing her when I got the call

If she has it she can never have dairy

Ever

Yogurt, cheese, etc

I don't know if that includes various other milks

Megan

So if you cut all dairy from your diet could she breastfeed? Has she had any issues with anything?

Sarah

I don;’t know

I haven't read much

Even if I cut dairy, if breastmilk doesn't make its own galactose, it still takes days or weeks to work
dairy out of the system, If I recall correctly

Megan

How soon can they do the blood test?

Sarah

Tomorrow I think

I really do not know much more

Megan

Love you sister. Were you able to get some formula for baby?

What kind do they recommend?

Soy?

Sarah

Yes, Wyatt went and got the one soy formula Target had

Megan

Ok good. Hopefully tomorrow tests will be done quickly.

Sarah

Mom and dad came over because I have pretty much spent the past two hours crying

And E is worried

And I feel like I need to hold it together but am totally falling apart

Megan

Sweetie, sweetie God is with you. You are loved and being looked after along with baby.
You have an army of support behind you and at the moment it is in Gods hands and out of yours.
Let him work and just hold baby tighter and get through the next few days.

No need to hold it together. It is a shock and something you have never had to deal with.
Remind E you still have extra hormones going through you that make it hard to control
feelings if sadness.

16/11/2016 20:04

Amie

Wow. I know first hand how scary it is when something isn't right with your baby. I love you guys.
Let me know if there is anything I can do to help out. I'm free tomorrow morning and can come
out if you want me to hang with the bigs for a bit.

Sarah

Thank you, sisters

Amie

I assume your going to pump for now?

How is she taking to the bottle?

Sarah

Mom and dad were here for a couple hours while i was hysterical, and Barbara came over for a while,
too. Mom will have the big kids in the morning while we go to Danville for a midwife appointment

Amie

Ok, well, just know that I'm here for you!

Sarah

Thank you

17/11/2016 14:00

Sarah

Margaret is up to 9lbs11oz, good indication that she is not sickly, even if she has galactosemia.
She had her blood draw and we will hopefully have results by the end of next week

Tori

Got my school praying for her and you guys.

Megan

Got my school praying too.

Sarah

Thank you

17/11/2017 I might not get to breastfeed her, but we can still bedshare. I am so thankful for that.

So warm and squishy

Gonna sleep now, before she needs another bottle

20/11/2017

Baby had her first shower today

Sucked not to bf her, but she still fell asleep on my chest immediately

22/11/2017

Sarah

Margaret passed her newborn hearing screening

Megan

Yay!

Sarah

She does have a hole in her heart, however

Megan

Do they think it will close on it's own?

Sarah

I can show you pictures of a diagram in a bit

So, the hole is partly closed by the aortic valve, and the amount of blood going through the hole
isn't really a big issue

Megan

That's good right?

Sarah

One possibility is that the valve may sort of get sucked into the hole and effectively patch it

The other possibility is that the valve could get sucked through and become compromised,
causing some sort of leak. I am fuzzy on the details

If the integrity of the valve becomes compromised, she would need open heart surgery

☹️

So this is yet another case of "it may be totally fine, or it may not. Just wait."

Megan

Little girl

Sarah

Blah

Megan

Once you know the plan for things it will be easier to get a handle on it all. It is the unknown of
too many things at the moment, but baby is doing great.

Sarah

I agree. There is a lot just hanging out right now. At least we know more what we are dealing with
with the heart

She has a follow up appt in San Ramon at a cardio clinic in two weeks

Then, if things are still good, it's be a three month follow up, then a six month, and every 6 months
after

Megan

That would be nice

Amie

Unknown sucks.

Sarah

I know you can relate, Amie.

23/11/2016

Sarah

No galactosemia!! Thank God!!!

Of course I had literally just fed her a 4 oz bottle when I got the call, and she has no interest in
boobs or milk at the moment

Megan

HALLELUJAH! SO SHE CAN HAVE BOOB AGAIN?

Sarah

Yes, after all that

Megan

I bet you feel much better now.

Sarah

I feel tired and emotional, and obviously still have the heart situation to tackle

Megan

She's looking at you like a mom I'm already full

Sarah

And I feel robbed



*********

Having made this account easily readable has been such a help, allowing me to read over the experience again whenever I feel need to be in touch with some of the emotions that are still buried deep. I think that I've come a long way in healing and processing, to the point that I might not start crying if I were to talk to you about it, but there is still a sadness inside. It's not that it's bad, though, you know? Life is filled with sadness and pain, but also joy, and thankfully there has been so very much joy with Margaret, too. It's just that, for me, it is good and healthy to not ignore those sadnesses, as I am inclined to do, but to see them and embrace them as part of our story and our journey.